Letting Go of Authorship

Well it’s over, today was the official beginning of a new year and last night was a final goodbye to one really rough year. It’s the only way to describe 2018 for me. Sure, it had some ups buts a whole lot more downs. Honestly, my life in 2018 reminds me of a sad country song, I found out I was in active heart failure, I lost my Granny, and in true country song fashion – I even buried my dog. Needless to say I was ecstatic to say goodbye to 2018 and gave a small sigh of relief when it was finally over.

Looking back over the year it seemed so promising in the first few months. Dennis and I became official homeowners – God truly showed out on that one. It was a good start, happy birthdays and Larame preparing to graduate from Elementary School. And then came March and a phone call from Gainesville. Possible liver failure and my world shook.

Then April 1 came and I found my Granny passed away in her home. I wasn’t ready for that, I’m still not ready to deal with it. I just want her back and that’s what the child in me screams on a daily basis. The adult in me knows though, God has a plan and God knew what the year would hold, God knew that day would come before anybody ever realized it was near. Every holiday, every appointment, heck everyday has been a constant reminder that she’s gone. The daily calls to run to the store, the first call every big holiday with her singing “happy birthday” or cheerfully saying “Merry Christmas”, and the caring “precious bone” that always came with a tight hug, they all just remind me of what I lost, of what I took advantage of having, and what I’ll never have again.

As I said before, 2018 was a sad country song when it came to my life ending with my dog dying. Cucumber was 12 years old, she had been with me she was 8 weeks old. Dennis got her for me when I got into a depression and boy did she bring me out of it. I literally raised her like a child with clothes, bathes, and a constant ornament on my hip. Needless to say she was probably the luckiest pitbull in town. She was my baby, she had been with us for so long. Larame had never known a day without her. I had never seen Larame so broken, she’s always had it together, takes everything in stride. So much how I want to be, but Cue, losing Cue hurt her too and that hurt me all the more. Watching her slowly die and then having to make the decision to not let her suffer, it’s a decision I never wanted to make, and I one I never want to make again.

But life has moved on, just with a little more pain, a little more heartache, and a little more regret. After Granny, it just seemed like a roller coaster of hurt, sorrow, and bad news. Heart failure, heart transplant, liver cirrhosis, cancer, surgery, and tests and more tests and more questions and more questions, but few answers. That’s what 2018 has been for me, a year full of questions with half-guessed answers that has only left me more confused and more lost than when I started.

As bad as 2018 was though, I survived it. God got me through it one day at a time. I don’t  what 2019 will bring, but I believe it will be hope. I was told in church this past Sunday that one should make spiritual resolutions and the rest will follow. So that’s what I’m doing, I’m making a resolution to be who God leads me to be and all that comes with that. I’m making a commitment to knock on God’s door everyday until I understand clearly what path He wants to me to walk. Because I know that is the only path that will bring me peace, the one thing I completely lost in 2018.

I read somewhere that sometimes God breaks your heart to save your soul. Maybe that’s what he’s doing with me, just literally. And I’m okay with that because I know, He loves me more than anybody else and He knows how this story is supposed to be written, even the next 365 pages. So in 2019, I’m going to let go of the way I thought my book would be written and trust the true author of my story.

Hello 2019, I’m interested to see what you have in store.

The Worst Brought Out The Best

On Tuesday, September 11, 2001 the United States of America was attacked and just hours after the greatest attack in modern history had occurred Americans came together of all races, religions, and nationalities to honor and help not only those killed during the attack but also the first responders who were still working tirelessly to save any person that might have been alive in the wreckage. That was fifteen years ago this Sunday, September 11. Sixteen years have passed since I learned what true evil was, 16 years have passed since the first attack of the war on terror occurred, and last year for the first time high school freshmen learned about the horrific and historic moment in time as a true historical event that occurred before they were even born.

Cooking For An Army

I cook for an army. I can’t help it, even when I try to save money and cook smaller meals, I end up cooking twice as much. I like to think it is bred in me, my Granny Thomas always cooked for an army, my mother does too, and here I am carrying on a tradition that’s dying faster than a fish out of water.

Work Ethic

The Florida Power ball is 1.3 billion and its something everybody is talking about. Whether they are talking about how packed the stores are the day of the drawing or daydreaming of what they would do with the winnings, it’s definitely a hot topic. In passing I’ve heard stories of “if I won I’d” be out of debt, buy a house, but the most common is retire or “never work another day in my life”. Which brought me to thinking if I won would I retire? I only found one person, out of more than a dozen, that said they would not retire. What would they do? This local business owner said she would buy the empty buildings downtown and fill them with stores and small town businesses. Only one person in more than of week of discussing the “big dream” said they would continue to work. This started me thinking on a totally different topic…work ethic and where it has gone in the last fifty years.

And That Is Love…

Jackson Brown, Jr. once said, “Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own”. Valentine’s Day occurred a few months ago and many were excited or depressed as usual. There are those that are excited because it’s the day of “love” and they are going to get flowers, or go on a date, or even get jewelry while others dread the day. This is the day they have to be reminded of what they don’t have, not just single individuals but those who are in a bad relationship or widowed or just lost. Me, well I try to on the love I have with my husband everyday because those are the days that matter.

Angels Among Us

I believe angels walk among us, we can’t see them, but if we’re quiet enough and slow down just bit we can feel them. I’m sure many are shaking their heads as they read this thinking, ‘That girl don’t know a thing” as they think of more than a dozen scriptures to prove what I believe wrong. But the thing is, as much as I believe in what the Bible says, I don’t need a book to tell me what I feel, what I’ve experienced, and what I know to be true in my heart.

It Starts At Home

It’s that time of year again and it’s one of the best times if you ask me. The flowers are starting to bloom, the sun is shining bright, and the wind is warm enough to enjoy instead of dread. It’s that time of the year when many wake up early to enjoy the morning sunrise on their porch, smell the fresh cut green grass and the night is ended with balls and outs … yep it’s baseball season! What did you think I was going to say Spring?

The Things We Cannot Choose

There are things in this life that makes no sense to me. Terrorism, horror movies, and the coyote from Loony Tunes are three things that I’ll never understand. However absurd most seem though, I can usually find a reasoning in some way even if it is a completely absurd way of thinking. I can understand on some level why there is terrorism, horror movies, and the coyote’s obsession with the road runner. However there is one thing I have yet to understand, to be able to grasp as to the reasoning behind it, how it picks its victims and why sometimes it can be defeated while other times it can’t. That thing is disease and whether its something that you’re born with like a Congenital Heart Disease or something that just occurred out of nowhere like so many cancers, I don’t understand it.

Only Action Can Change The World

I didn’t march last week. I didn’t protest for the rights of women or scream horrid names at those opposing my views. Instead I donated clothes to a local family in need, I took leftovers from my fridge to a group of men who probably hadn’t had something homemade in years, I held the door for strangers, and even when I didn’t agree with somebody I still smiled and said “yes sir I hear ya on that, but I’ve got to go so have a great day”. I don’t like what the parents do with their free money instead of buying their kids clothes, I hope that one day those men will find their way and a better life, I found it rude when the elderly woman looked at me quizzically somewhat abrasive without a thank you for holding the door for her, and I didn’t agree with one thing that elderly man had to say about life, love, and politics. I didn’t judge those parents though and rant about how they are ruining their lives and their children’s, I didn’t look down on those men who live in a shack in the woods, I didn’t get an attitude or say something rude to the woman, and I didn’t roll my eyes and argue with a man who will never see things from my view. Last week when hate bombarded me from every angle in the news, on the radio, and in life, I chose love and my week and life was better for it.

Roses in December

December 7, 2002 was a muggy day. It hadn’t rained in a while and the sky seemed like it wanted to try. The gray clouds and somber sky had kept the sun hidden all day and even at lunchtime it had not peaked through with light. It was chilly, but not dry and it gave a sense of something eerie. I was 15 years old, sitting at the computer desk in our dining room on the phone with my friend Anna when my aunt and two cousins came through our front door without knocking and my whole world began to change with one look.